Dru and Spike Steal Their First Car
by cagd
Summary: Spike, Dru, and an early automobile. Run for your life!


**London, at the dawn of the 20th Century**

When my Spike saw his first auto-mo-bi-le snorting and roaring down the street like a dragon with the vapors, he simply _had_ to have it.

My dark star said, "Pet, you know what that thing was? That's an automobile, it is. I've seen pictures of them in the _Times_. I want it."

I did not like it, noisy bad thing, all rude, shooting nasty smoke out of its backside. How vulgar!

Miss Edith did not like this noisy bad thing either; all dirty and hot, honking at us to get out of the way like a naughty Christmas goose.

No, Miss Edith and me did not like it at all. It was nasty. It was loud. It was _smelly_.

And it was very, very rude; it made ugly noises at us in the street, "'Onk 'onk!" and "Belch! Belch!" and "Bang! Bang!" when we didn't get out of the way fast enough for it.

No thank you, Drusilla does not want one of these.

Not even with lemondrops and lollypops and a trip to the Zoo to see the aardvark.

Our Spike said, "What a beauty!" His eyes followed the au-to-mo-bile like it was his ebon poppy, his wicked plum. It made me jealous.

I gave him the silent treatment.

It didn't work.

We followed the auto-mo-bi-le all over Town anyway.

Nasty, belchy gassy thing. Dru doesn't like the way her Spike watches that au-to-mo-bile one whit!

His black opal is prettier, doesn't smell as bad and doesn't make half as many rude noises.

I told him this.

Our Spike didn't listen. He said, "Pet...what are you runnin' on 'bout? I want it. I want it bad. Wouldn't it be fine to ride 'round Town, noses in the air all posh-like, runnin' down pedestrians?"

Oooooh, running down pedestrians? Chasing urchins? Blowing the horn, "'Onk 'onk!" and waking up all the nice people?

Maybe the auto-mo-bi-le isn't such a bad thing after all.

Miss Edith said, "Now, why ever didn't you say so before?"

Fancy that!

Running over people, "Help! Squish!" mashing doggies, "Yip-yap-splattttt!", flattening cats, "Meow-smoosh!"

What marvelous fun!

Dru wants an au-to-mo-bile. She wants an au-to-mo-bile right now, all black and shiny with leather seats and white bouncy tires and a loud horn, "'Onk 'onk! Flee for your lives; it's the king's birthday and he's been painted green!" Get me the auto-mo-bi-le, my dark star, get me that auto-mo-bi-le right now!

The auto-mo-bi-le stopped to let a train pass. It stood there on all four wheelsies grunting and grumbling to itself in the gaslight. My Spike said, "Now's our chance to nick the auto-mo-bi-le and a spot a' dinner too. Plum, you take the driver, I'll take his lady friend!"

We jumped on the driver and his lady friend, delicious! Miss Edith loves a picnic before a lovely ride in the country.

We threw the bodies in the gutter.

I wore the lady friend's long white coat and her veil. I looked like a bride!

My Spike wore the driver's long black coat, cap and goggles. He looked like a bug!

We sat in the seats.

We sat in the seats a long time.

Very nicely I asked the au-to-mo-bile to go. "Please go?"

"Pet, it's not alive. It's a machine pet. You can't order machines around."

"You can't? How presumptuous! I'm not alive and I sometimes do as you ask."

"Plum..._oh, never mind!_" My Spike fiddled with the levers and the gears. "This'll be ripping!"

With a roar and a yell from my sweet Spike, the au-to-mo-bile jumped forward and we were off.

We went all over the street. We didn't miss a single lamp post. We knocked over a fruit stand.

My Spike is a glorious verygood driver!

We went backwards for six streets and flattened a Bobby on my dark star's first try.

Hurrah! My dark star can do anything!

After that we shot down a narrow alley and made pretty-pretty sparklies!

Delicious!

We hit another Bobby, splat!

We chased a priest, thud!

We clipped a blind man, whap!

We took a drive through the park, running through every flowerbed while chasing all the tasty vagrants who sleep on the benches.

We made a carriage fall over and the horses run away, wheeeee!

I grabbed the coachman as we roared past and ate him. Lovely!

We went across lawns. We drove up and down some stairs. We drove through an evening garden party and knocked over all the tables and chairs and spilled the rum punch. People screamed and got out of the way when my dark star honked the horn, "'Onk 'onk!" and yelled his favoritest dirtybad words at them to make them run faster.

We made lovely, _lovely_ chaos everywhere my sweet William drove!

After that a Bobby on horseback chased us, what fun!

We outran him, laughing like angels.

Finally the au-to-mo-bile gave a big sad cough and stopped in the middle of the street.

"Giddiup!" I told it.

My Spike fiddled with the levers and the gears again, swearing. "Bloody Hell, it won't start!"

There were many angry people coming towards us.

"Bollocks!" my dark star said, "I've killed it, best hoof it pet!"

He took my hand and I took Miss Edith's hand and we abandoned our fun, poor thing!

The angry people didn't see us climb into the sewer. They were too busy beating on our dear dead friend, the au-to-mo-bile.

So sad! I miss the au-to-mo-bile. Spike misses the au-to-mo-bile. Miss Edith misses the au-to-mo-bile.

We can't wait until we steal the next one!

* * *

**Author's Note:** I've read accounts of the mayhem caused by the appearance of the first cars, toys of the rich. Some people interpreted them as the coming of the Four Horsemen - the cars, not our, ahem, heroes. 


End file.
